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Broken

Jarryd James – 1000x

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Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you. 

– Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Weird – to find myself at this same place again.
Still it’s not the same.

I’ve been wondering about
how much sadness one can take.
And how much disappointment.

The future I have wished for myself seems impossible to reach.
Instead I need to let you go. So you can grow.
You deserve to grow.
What do I deserve?
Do I care about what I deserve, when it comes to you?
I care about loss.
And I care about my dreams that have been shattered.
I care about loneliness.
And I care about
you.

Fairness, right?
Let the one you love become the person he deserves to be.
And maybe let him be this person with someone
else.
Free him of all his promises.
Free him of all the pressure you put on him.
Free him of you.
Let him go.
Because it’s
you.

Is it selfish to ask: ‘and what about me?’
What about the things I had and will have to go through?
What about the way I’ve been feeling?
Cause I feel left out. I am losing.
You don’t owe me anything.
And still
no one can safe me
but
you.

I know you feel like you’ve lost everything.
I have lost everything too.
Because I lost
you.

How long will this sadness last this time?
I have welcomed this deep brokenness like an old friend.
10 years from now, will I still shudder when I hear your name?
Will my heart still sigh in pain
because it remembers
you?

Dear darling
It has always been you.
You stole my heart.
I know it is safe with you.
Whatever might happen.
This is out of my hands.
Nevertheless
I will keep you forever in my mind
and I will miss you
every day
because
I love
you.

I hope you’ll find what you are searching for.

 

It’s all about the decisions we make.

xx jana

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That time

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Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what he had been doing in those six months.
But then I shudder. I want to know, but I know that I don’t want to know.
I can imagine – I shouldn’t imagine.

Weird.
I can think back to that time, to those six months,
and I mean six months is a pretty long time,
and I don’t remember anything.

What have I been doing? what have I been up to?
what have I been thinking?

All I know is that I worked. I worked and I cried.
And I listened to those songs, to those sad songs.
I would make a habit of crying on my way to work,
when the sun was rising and I would pass by a pond
with little ducks.
Sometimes I would even sit for a while and watch them.
They grew with the weeks.
And I would walk back at sunrise, crying again,
cause the sad songs made me do so.

I can still listen to them today – and they still make my heart break again.

It’s as if that time had no purpose, no meaning.
As if it didn’t exist.

Except for when I went away, that time had a purpose.
I had to leave completely – I had to put as much distance between him and me as I could.

But still –
I still find it weird.
I’ve always been doing things, I’ve always been planning and working towards something.
For six months I did do all of that, but I did it all wrong.
Cause when I think back, I didn’t do anything productive, anything inspiring.
Not to me.
Not to others.
I was just an empty shell.
So empty, that when I look back at myself at that time
I don’t remember a person
I don’t remember what I did
I almost don’t remember a thing.

Because nothing mattered
but the sadness in my heart.

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jana xx

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Two Hearts

I hold two hearts
which one belongs to me?
which one belongs to you?
I just want to give them away
give them to you
I don’t want to decide
I don’t want to be accountable
it’s too much to bear

Crashing down
falling forever
life is playing its games
where is my save place?
where is my happy place?
you are the only one who knows
you are the only one
who can bring me there
and you know
I want us to be present
I want to feel you close

But where have you gone?
miles apart
as if you were hiding
from me
just a shadow, just a shell
I am left with a ghost
please wake up, please wake up
save me
I don’t recognise this love
so even if you sleep next to me
I am missing you

You seem lost
I don’t want you to be lost
But you won’t take my hand
so what do I do?
I just watch
watch as we stand on these boats
floating away from each other
taken by different currents
not moving a feet
although my soul is aching
to follow you

 I am lost too
I am asking myself why
am I the mistake?
do I tear us apart?
I am scared of myself
and scared of you
my heart is so weak
ready to melt
Do I have to overcome my fear?
Or will you help me changing it into something else?

Too many tears
yours and mine
too many
we are sick of it
why is it so hard?

I love you
You love me

But this is not all
there is also you
there is also me
there is life
there is fear

and there is the best
and there is the worst.

xx jana

Admin /

isolated, alone

James Bay – “Hold back the river“

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It has been five weeks and three days. Up and down and up and down. I tried to distract myself.
It worked sometimes.
At this point, I feel like I have thought about the breakup and about him so much, that I don’t know anymore how I should feel.
I could have the urge to call him, to ask him to take me back. Two minutes later I could completely understand that we can never be together, that we won’t ever work out. Sad, understandable, angry, frustrated, devastated, desperate….

But what I am feeling all the time is a deep loneliness.
This feeling never changes.
I lost my soulmate, the only one, who gave my life a reason. The one I could talk to about everything, the one who was home to me. I lost the one, who made me feel warm and loved and understood.

No one can fill this hole. Not now.

I try to let him go.
I haven’t succeeded yet.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was yours.”
– Confucius, Chinese Philosopher

I have no hope that he’ll come back to me, though. So when I let him go, I let him go. He flies away.
He’s gone. I want him to be free. I don’t want him to be free. I want him to come back. I don’t want him to come back.
This sucks.

jana x