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Exhaustion

 

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I’ve really been feeling so restless recently.
And low. And exhaused. And weak. And stressed. And helpless.

I bet you all know how this feels.

Today, when I actually had so many things to get done, I went to the Zurich lake to sit down for a while. On my own. There were no people, it was freaking cold. And all I did was sitting there, neither even really thinking about anything, nor enjoying the view. I just thought: this is kind of nice here. Peaceful. I guess I just had to get away from things. Although I know there are people with much worse problems than I have. Or people which have much more reason to wanting to get some space to breathe through. I don’t even know what reasons I have to feel so
suffocated.
I sat there and started feeding ravens with bread, which I did’t have the appetite to eat myself. And although this sounds so gloomy and weird, I  have to admit, I could pretty much identify with those birds.

With the ravens.

They are kind of scary, kind of misunderstood, shunned but at the same time they are quite clever, beautiful and strong – when they fly, they cover the sky in the deepest black color and their wings are sure of their movements, determined to bring them where they want to go.
When they fly, though, they are alone – on their own.
And when they crow they make the most awful sound in the world.

I dunno why but I feel like people have been avoiding me recently.
I don’t know whether I seem so unapproachable or daunting…
but somehow for sure I am misunderstood. Also by the things I say. I feel like everything I say has been judged for the past few weeks. I have to lay every word onto a scale and assess whether I can let it slip out of my mouth or not.
A bird in a cage.
I feel also left alone. Left alone with my issues.
I know this is my own fault, because I’d never ask for help.
But sometimes I wish people would see what I need and act accordingly,
not just leaving me alone.

I don’t want to be alone, not when I feel like that.
Because this is when I fall into a hole too easily.
And I am scared of that.

I felt it coming a few days ago – this feeling of heaviness.
I sat in the bus on a Sunday morning at 6 o’clock, after 9 hours of work, and again it was cold.
It was a misty, quiet morning.
And suddenly my playlist picked this song. This old all-time-favourite.
And it made me think of the time when I listened to it most.
And it also made me realise that I didn’t really feel right.

Listening to it soothed me anyway.

But still, I am feeling so out of place at the moment, with so many open businesses
and so many things I want to do and achieve. I have lost track of where to start.
I have lost track of what I think is most important.

I don’t even know in which direction to go. Normally I would.
As soon as I am sure of something, I can act accordingly.
Right now I am lost.
I am floating. I don’t like floating.

And I guess it is also a problem that I cannot put my issue into words.
If anybody asks me, what might be wrong, I can’t say what it is.
And I can’t tell what could help me.
I just wish someone did know the cure, because I don’t know it myself.
And I am too tired to figure it out.

 

I’ve also been eating crazy amounts of chocolate, drinking more whine and my body is weak.
I have reached a point too low.
I guess it’s part of life and things cannot only be great all the time.
But I don’t need shitty times to appreciate the good ones.
I just need my balance, it drives me crazy if I cannot have it.

Something is wrong and I have to figure this out before it gets any worse.

I don’t want to depress anybody… so I end this here.
I will let you know if I figured this out.
And maybe, if anyone is feeling the same way right now, you know you are not alone.
Let me know when you found a way out.

jana xx

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making apologies

The Chainsmokers – Roses (ft. Rozes)
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This is an issue which means a lot to me. It is something I recently discovered to be an issue everyone should be aware of – I discovered it to be a topic which changed my way of talking and communicating and dealing with myself and others. I am going to talk about something which can make you feel better.

This is a post about honesty. This is a post about making apologies.

I still remember an argument I had with my mother years and years ago, as if it was yesterday. I was very young at that time. Still a kid. And we were screaming at each other. It was a weekday evening and I went to bed angrily. It doesn’t matter anymore what the argument was about. But it matters that after a while when I was just about to fall asleep, my mother opened the door – and apologized for the quarrel. At that point it became very clear to me that I also had never wanted to argue. We ended up crying and apologizing – and we went to sleep with a much better feeling than before.

This experience has taught me that saying sorry is never something bad. It is something which demands sincerity, a little bit of bravery and greatness.

It took me years to understand this. I have always been a very stubborn person, sure to stand for my opinions and things I said. It ended up causing me too many arguments and a lot of anger and sadness. Today, with 21 years I have come to a point where I generally hate arguing. I don’t think its worth my time or my energy – all of this negativity. But I also know it is not avoidable.

My understanding for the meaning of apologizing came after very intense arguments with my boyfriend when we screamed at each others faces or ended up walking away from each other. So often, just a few hours after the argument I would feel sorry for it all, or for things I said.

I dunno where this came from. But I guess there was one point where I didn’t have any other choice than saying sorry. So I did. And it turned out to be the greatest thing ever.
Since then I started to be a lot more aware of things I could apologize for.
Even a few days after an argument, I could confront others with suddenly apologizing. I am not holding back on this anymore. I say that I didn’t want to argue, that I am sorry for this or that particular thing I said, or this or that particular thing I did. I have gotten better in doing so, that now, even if I am in the middle of a fight, I can take a step back, look at things and ask myself: “wait? Is that what I wanted? Is this argument worth it? Do I really want to go on like this?” And then I might say sorry just right in the middle of the argument. This doesn’t mean that I apologize for everything. I only say sorry for the things I know I actually feel or will feel sorry about. Sometimes it is everything, sometimes it is just a tiny little thing.

And I tell you. It is worth it. Never has someone I know reacted negatively on it. And for me, as a person who loves harmony and who can hold a grudge not only against others for ages, but also against myself, it made me feel so much better.
Even my boyfriend has been so appreciative of it, that just recently I found him doing the same thing. An argument between us and its aftermaths, which would have usually lasted for days, ended in a blink of an eye. It was so truly great.

Don’t be too proud to say sorry. It is never too late.
I have managed to build friendships again, which had been broken a long time ago.
Just by apologizing.

It is worth it in every way.
And I tell you this is not showing weakness or backing up or trying to get away with something.
It is about second chances and people’s temper, which can so easily get out of control.
It’s about knowing yourself and being reflective and about fixing relationships and not making things worse than they already are.
Try it out yourself.

xx jana

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Gone

The xx – “Angels“

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Picture: Printscreen Vlog The Michalaks (check them out!)

I never knew that I could feel constantly sad for so long…
it has already been 3 months – a quarter of a year. Still – no day has gone by without a thought about my lost love, my lost chances.

I’m sorry I let you wait for so long for a new blog post. But I honestly couldn’t bring myself to write one – until now.

I went to see him again. It was a mistake. There was the old connection between us, the brushed arms when we walked past each other, the closeness I yearned for, the stupid jokes about the same old things, his touch.

I collapsed after I left. A few days later I demanded to get answers.
Answers to questions I couldn’t even ask without wondering if I could handle to hear what he would say to them.

He told me –  I should let him go.
That I should live my life.
That the timing wasn’t right.
That he would come back once he thinks, he can be the person I deserve.
That he knows it could be too late then.
He told me, I was important to him.
That he had the most wonderful time ever with me.

You know, I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I am not the kind of person who believes much in timing.
I am convinced that ultimately you have to fight and work for what you want to keep in your life.
It’s about what you do. You cannot always look for excuses and you cannot make life itself to one of them.

Nevertheless – I felt defeated.

I tried to accept it, I tried and am still trying because I love him and because I have no other choice.
I cannot force him to love me.
I cannot make him want me.
It all becomes less painful after a while – you become numb, resigned.

I deleted the pictures, stopped myself from thinking about the time we shared, his eyes, his touch or the future I always hoped we would have together.
It’s all gone and it’s all out of my hands.
Nothing I could ever imagine myself doing, is ever going to change anything, or make it work again.
It needs two to love.

Sometimes I even wonder, if what we had was ever true. Now that it is all deleted it becomes so surreal.
Has it ever been there? Has it ever existed? Have we existed?

I am concentrating on myself now. That’s my biggest advice. Focus on yourself, change things, live. Even though you will go through tough days… don’t call him, don’t text him. Delete the number.

I am waiting for the time, when he’s ready to talk to me again – when he misses me so much, that he reaches out to me and not the other way around. He could be missing me then as a friend, or as a human being or as the one who once loved him. Maybe until then, I am different. Maybe then i can stand in front of him without tears in my eyes – strong.

If he’s moving on, I have to do the same thing. I cannot be left behind.

He says he knows it could be too late. This is what I don’t understand. I don’t understand why he promises me to come back one day, although he has never kept a promise he’s ever made. And why would you let someone go, if you knew it could be too late? I would never push anyone out of my life, if I would intend to let this person back in sometime, knowing it could never happen… because it could be too late. No one would do that, that’s too much of a risk. You keep the ones you love as close to you as you can and never let them go. Right?

I would have never let him go. But he asks for it. He turns around and walks away from me. Leaving me all alone. If I ever want to feel happy again, I have to do what I hate most, what I’ve always been to scared to even think about.

And to be fair, slowly frustration and some sort of anger starts to build inside of me.
It helps me to leave him alone
but I don’t like it, because it isn’t me.
I’m kind.
But I hate not being able to do anything about it. That fighting doesn’t help. That I have to accept the defeat.
I would’ve fought for him forever, if I only saw a glimpse of a chance.

Now I dunno what to tell you anymore. I am literally planning my life. Soon I start Uni, I wanna move out, work more…
A fresh start.

Before I end this post I’d like to share with you something which has made me think.

I heard following poem recently. It’s called If by Ruyard Kipling – read out by Hanna Maggs and her husband on their Vlog-channel The Michalaks:

 

I know this has nothing to do with romantic relationships whatsoever.
Some sentences still stayed with me and I really cannot let them go:

“If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
…
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
…
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
…
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;”

I wondered, if I could ever forgive him what he did to me. If I could ever trust him again.
If I could even let him come back into my life.
I don’t know the answers yet. For the moment I let him figure out, when the time for us is right
– whatever us we are.
I give him the time he needs.
It would be incredibly sad, if this was it.
If this was the end. No contact. Out of each others lives.
Gone.
But on the other hand I am not too sure a broken heart can ever heal, or forget.
xx jana

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Holiday Special #5

CHOICE, THAT’S THE THING

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I am not sure this is a spoiler – so I guess if you ever consider reading “The Chaos of Stars” by Kiersten White you might not want to read any further… although I am only going to talk about one Quote.
About the books I read on holiday I am going to write a blogpost later.

Here it is:

–

“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality,
I’d find you and I’d chose you”

–

Aren’t those words absolutely perfect? I mean choice, that’s the thing!
I thought about this a lot and about how much I wished that a guy would consciously choose me with all my flaws and all my issues.
Commitment.
I like the idea about losing one another out of sight and maybe even out of mind but then finding each other again because it has to be – because both want it to be that way. Because the choice has been made and no matter what, if both make the same decision, they will find each other again.

Choices are very powerful.
It’s about making them wisely… and about actually making them in the first place.
If you don’t make a choice, you won’t change anything, you won’t develop and you won’t ever get happy.
Because you cannot become a happy person if you don’t know what you want.

Let’s make choices. Good ones. Real ones.
With our hearts.

jana x