Exhaution

 

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I’ve really been feeling so restless recently.
And low. And exhaused. And weak. And stressed. And helpless.

I bet you all know how this feels.

Today, when I actually had so many things to get done, I went to the Zurich lake to sit down for a while. On my own. There were no people, it was freaking cold. And all I did was sitting there, neither even really thinking about anything, nor enjoying the view. I just thought: this is kind of nice here. Peaceful. I guess I just had to get away from things. Although I know there are people with much worse problems than I have. Or people which have much more reason to wanting to get some space to breathe through. I don’t even know what reasons I have to feel so
suffocated.
I sat there and started feeding ravens with bread, which I did’t have the appetite to eat myself. And although this sounds so gloomy and weird, I  have to admit, I could pretty much identify with those birds.

With the ravens.

They are kind of scary, kind of misunderstood, shunned but at the same time they are quite clever, beautiful and strong – when they fly, they cover the sky in the deepest black color and their wings are sure of their movements, determined to bring them where they want to go.
When they fly, though, they are alone – on their own.
And when they crow they make the most awful sound in the world.

I dunno why but I feel like people have been avoiding me recently.
I don’t know whether I seem so unapproachable or daunting…
but somehow for sure I am misunderstood. Also by the things I say. I feel like everything I say has been judged for the past few weeks. I have to lay every word onto a scale and assess whether I can let it slip out of my mouth or not.
A bird in a cage.
I feel also left alone. Left alone with my issues.
I know this is my own fault, because I’d never ask for help.
But sometimes I wish people would see what I need and act accordingly,
not just leaving me alone.

I don’t want to be alone, not when I feel like that.
Because this is when I fall into a hole too easily.
And I am scared of that.

I felt it coming a few days ago – this feeling of heaviness.
I sat in the bus on a Sunday morning at 6 o’clock, after 9 hours of work, and again it was cold.
It was a misty, quiet morning.
And suddenly my playlist picked this song. This old all-time-favourite.
And it made me think of the time when I listened to it most.
And it also made me realise that I didn’t really feel right.

Listening to it soothed me anyway.

But still, I am feeling so out of place at the moment, with so many open businesses
and so many things I want to do and achieve. I have lost track of where to start.
I have lost track of what I think is most important.

I don’t even know in which direction to go. Normally I would.
As soon as I am sure of something, I can act accordingly.
Right now I am lost.
I am floating. I don’t like floating.

And I guess it is also a problem that I cannot put my issue into words.
If anybody asks me, what might be wrong, I can’t say what it is.
And I can’t tell what could help me.
I just wish someone did know the cure, because I don’t know it myself.
And I am too tired to figure it out.

 

I’ve also been eating crazy amounts of chocolate, drinking more whine and my body is weak.
I have reached a point too low.
I guess it’s part of life and things cannot only be great all the time.
But I don’t need shitty times to appreciate the good ones.
I just need my balance, it drives me crazy if I cannot have it.

Something is wrong and I have to figure this out before it gets any worse.

I don’t want to depress anybody… so I end this here.
I will let you know if I figured this out.
And maybe, if anyone is feeling the same way right now, you know you are not alone.
Let me know when you found a way out.

jana xx