Prelude

Sometime between then and now
I have become a woman.

xxj

Red wine

Rioja as a go-to. Primitivo on the really good nights.

The problem is, he knows my soul.

And my soul is somehow entangled
with his.
And he senses me without looking,
and nothing about this feels wrong
to me.

Dopey.
Go, grab the bottle.

He calms me like wine.
Flows with my pulse,
seeps into every corner of my body,
spreading a strange but familiar warmth.
He soaks my heart in sweet despair.
Lightheaded,
I sink heavily and deeply
into this false, momentary lullaby.
This daze keeps me alive,
intoxicated by possible scenarios,
drunk in…
no, it’s not that.
He knows.
But still,
tell me all the lies,
tell me all the truths,
I cannot keep them apart
anyways
I do(n’t) give a shit
this is dangerous
this is mad
cheers.

Btw. I only like you sober.

xxj

Clockwork

I think I went away at the right time.
Luckily, I came back just in time.
Now time stands still
and hastes at the same time.
Somehow, I am consuming all the time.
I am watching simple things
becoming so time consuming.
Sometimes I forget what day it is
and then I drink wine at nighttime
and think sentimental things – again.
The timing just never seems to be right anyways.
Do I even still have to be on time?
Or does it not count anymore during this timeout?
Will time ever be as timeless, as it is these days?
And for the rest of our lifetime, will we remember this?
Will we learn before next time?
Or will we just get lost in time again
until the time is up?
Wait, is it halftime, yet?
Yes, it definitely feels like time pauses
and rushes at the same time.
And I am nowhere
and everywhere where I have to be
right now.

xxj

Fade out

so who am I,
when I stand against the wind?
when the last sunbeams kiss my skin?
when the shadows grow?
who am I,
when I stand alone?
when the last waves become quiet?
when my roots grow into the sand?
I‘ve asked myself these questions,
and what I‘ve learned is
that if you take your time,
if you dig deep,
if you go past the chatter of your mind,
past the lingering hurt,
past the lies you like to tell yourself,
you will find
what‘s there
– and there will be shimmering lights,
and shades of darknesses.
there will be true serenity.
there will be release.

xxj

Blumen

Kina – Can we kiss forever?

Dein Körper im warmen Frühlingslicht,
meine Augen öffnen sich
gegen die Sonne,
ein liebevoller Weckruf,
die Strahlen streichen über Deine Haut,
sanft, aber nicht zögerlich.

Ein frischer Wind lässt das Papier auf dem Tisch knistern,
denn weit offen
steht das Fenster vor uns,
damit wir sehen,
was uns gegenüber liegt.

Kaum mehr eingehüllt in die weichen Laken,
ein Luftzug kitzelt mich behutsam
in meinem verschlafenen Gesicht,
den Rücken hinab
und an den Beinen hinauf.

Die Vögel zwischen den Zweigen
beginnen für Dich zu zwitschern,
ihre Stimmen, ein Säuseln,
ich horche gespannt,
höre die Bäume atmen,
tief.

Die Wärme von draussen,
dringt bis in mich hinein,
sodass sich meine Lippen leicht öffnen,
zu einem zufriedenen Lächeln,
und Du gähnst tonlos,
während Du das Schöne dort vor Dir
genau betrachtest.

Natürlich
gefällt Dir,
wie sich die verzweigten Äste fest umarmen,
wie sich die saftig grünen Blätter
gegen die Morgendämmerung räkeln,
die klaren Konturen der Blüten
sich zart mit dem sich verflüchtigenden Dunst bewegen,
gefällt mir,
wie die starken Stämme in die Höhe ragen,
und einer der Tannenwipfel ins Blau über ihm sticht.

Mein Kopf sinkt ins Kissen,
ich lasse mich ergreifen,
mich tragen von gewichtlosen Gedanken,
und Du tauchst ein, mitten in den Moment,
spannst Deine Muskeln an,
weil Dir wegen eines kurzen Lufthauchs
ein angenehmer Schauer über den Rücken läuft.
Jetzt bist du erquickt,
ruckartig aufgeweckt.

Ich lausche zerstreut dem Summen der Flugzeuge,
die irgendwo über unsere Köpfe hinweggleiten
und Du dem noch verschlafenen Treiben,
das von der Nachbarschaft bis hinein in Dein Zimmer kommt.
Entfernt und doch so unbefangen nah,
so laut.

Wild verspielte Schatten auf der weissen Wand,
das Federflattern wird langsam immer schneller,
bis sich die Freiheitsuchenden in den Himmel erheben,
irgendwo schliesst sich ein Fenster
mit einem ruckartigen Stoss,
wir seufzen zufrieden,
dort, wo wir so bequem liegen,
halb verträumt,
breitet sich ein wohliges Gefühl
aus.

Und wir lassen uns
ein
auf das Entspanntsein.
Nochmal genüsslich wegdösen,
verschmelzen mit der Matratze
und dem allmählichen Hellerwerden,
weil wir noch nicht ganz bereit sind
für den Alltag.

So ausgeruht
steigen wir irgendwann,
Du dort drüben
und ich hier,
aus den Betten
in den indessen lichtdurchfluteten Zimmern,
die wir an diesem süssen Morgen
und auch an den kommenden
nicht verlassen.


xxj
zu diesen zeitweiligen Zeiten.






Heat

Find what burns inside of you
– and light it up.

xxj

Healing

I forgive myself
that I failed
to keep your love.
I forgive myself
inacceptance,
naivety,
the losing of myself in us
the blindness,
the unfair tries to find
you.

I forgive you
your speechlessness,
your absence,
stagnation,
unreliability,
disvaluation.
Your surrender.
I forgive you
that you decided against me
and us.

I forgive us
mistreatments,
misunderstandings,
miscommunications.
Our incapability to speak,
listen
and understand.
Our numbness,
disappointment,
sadness,
accusations,
ignorance.
Our fade out.

I forgive us truly,
that our love is not enough.
And that we couldn‘t make it work in all those years.
I forgive us
the merge of our souls
as well as our disconnection.
Yes, I forgive us
that it didn‘t work out the way we wished it would.

[honoring.]

xxj

Bodylanguage

Your body changes.
But not only with
time, sleep, workouts or food.
I find that with deep emotions
its shape softens or becomes edgier.
Your mind might deny your feelings,
but your body won‘t.
Read it out loud.

xxj

b r e a t h e

the quiet before the storm.
the storm inside your heart.
your brain.
messy
soul.
grounded.
profoundly connected within.
take your time.
listen
to your soft body.
the blood flowing in your vains.
soothing pulse.
comforting.
lungs inhaling deeply.
quietly.
chest rising and collapsing.
heart drumming.
relentlessly.
against exhaution.
for recovery.
re-balancing.
taking a break
from breaking.
resting the heavy head.
lost in empty thoughts.
falling into place.
finding the quiet spot
– the untroubled,
serene
stillness
in you.

xxj

Chatter

This blessing
of utter freedom
when travelling to places
which fill your heart with love,
of watching the sun quietly rise and set,
over and over,
until you found yourself soothingly reconnected with mother nature,
of finding rest whilst being on the move
and in the far-away of everyday
… it engulves you in its sweetness,
and reminds you of what life should really be all about.
.
.
Calmness
can find its trigger
in the sound of crashing waves
or the satisfying view of a stunning scenery
but actually it derives from
a quiet mind,
a brave and honest heart,
and a sense of peace that roots somewhere deeply
within

waiting to be awakened.
.
.
Sun and moon collide within us.
Every day.
Every night.
And although they might be opposites,
they both shine bright.
So remind yourself
that no matter what,
deep within you,
you will always glow
in the dark.
.
.
No matter where you are,
skies remain blue,
clouds stay white,
the wind embraces you
and the sun kisses you in the morning
and the moon at night.
.
.
Breaking open and welcoming the forces of the ocean.
Strenght.
Steadiness.
Hush.
Fierceness.
Depth.
Wonder.
Unpredictability.
Boundlessness.
Candour.
.
.
Keep going.
Keep whispering.

xxj