Dependence

Not knowing what you want.
Unsure about yourself
and doubting your decisions.
Falling back in time.
Caught up in what you left behind.
Rewinding revisions.
Stuck inside your mind.
But somehow ready to move on
through the cold night.
Guessing which thoughts you need to finish,
or to finally let go.
Come on,
set your soul free.
But you’re too sad about people’s sadnesses.
Jealous of what you don’t have,
of what others have
that you’d deserve,
technically.
And possibly wished for,
for long enough,
although you’re uncertain of what you want
even so.
This imagery
of what has never been yours,
because it’s not really
reality.
Not in this life,
maybe in the next,
or the one after that.
Still tired of waiting.
Tired of disappointments
and bad feelings
and useless discussions.
Digging for those positive notions.
Those opportunities which lie underneath the ocean,
or underneath skyscrapers.
How good am I alone?
I made myself feel so good alone.
So whole.
Well-balanced,
because I didn’t depend on someone else
to make me feel complete.
And I didn’t have to want something,
or make sense of what I wanted.
I didn’t have to wait.
I know I can rely on myself.
I am my best player.
My wildest lover.
I will always hold my ground,
and only hurt myself
when it makes sense.

Dependence
in all its meanings;
it stands for both,
slavery and faith.

xxj

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